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How to Deal with Difficult People at Work
You’ve finished high school. Maybe you’ve also gotten a Bachelor’s degree, or a Master’s, or even a PhD. All great, but getting out of high school… that’s where all the nonsense occurred. The bullies, the fake people, the frenemies. Finally, all that foolishness is behind you. Now you can live amongst people who are mature, responsible, decent …
And then you enter the world of work.
Do you remember the first time you were stopped in your tracks by behavior you thought you’d never see again? Even after all my years in the work place, I still remember my first at-work encounter with a person who just flat out didn’t do what she said she would do.
Now granted, this was very early in my work life and I’ve seen it over and over again for more than thirty years. But I still remember how surprised I was. How can you be getting paid to do a job and not behave responsibly?
Obviously, I had a lot to learn.
Please understand, the huge majority of people that I’ve met at work over the years are wonderful, trustworthy people, some of whom I’ve stayed in touch with for years. We are talking about a minority of people, but there are enough of them out there in the workplace.
So, all that said, here is my best advice for how to deal with difficult people at work.
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The Bully
We all know what bullying looks like as a kid: name calling, pushing, meanness, just to name a few. But how do you know that someone is an adult bully?
The bully at work is that person who knows exactly how close to the line they can come without their behavior being addressed. This is the person who:
- Ignores you – This is a form of disrespect, and aims to control you by keeping you guessing and never knowing. You make a request or ask a question, and don’t get a response.
- Being late, or not showing up at all – Again, this is another form of disrespect, but it can sometimes have more serious consequences, such as missing an important appointment or being late for a meeting.
- Starting rumors – The bully that starts untrue rumors is seeking to sabotage you and your reputation. Seeing you react (or overreact) to hearing lies told about yourself is what they thrive on.
- Passive-aggressive behavior – Backwards compliments, deliberate procrastination, having to have the last word… these are all examples of passive-aggressive behavior that a bully might exhibit.
The best way to deal with a bully at work is to do your best, in good faith, all the time. I have discussed this in other posts. If someone is doing the wrong thing, let them do the wrong thing by themselves. Don’t feed into it and their problem behavior will become obvious.
If you are a person of integrity, you never have to worry about what anyone else is doing or saying (check out 6 Qualities of People Who Have Integrity at Work).
If they are late for a meeting, you be there on time. Do not bad-mouth them to others. Their lateness will speak for itself.
If you are working on a project with a bully, be sure to have lots of documentation (emails are best) of your very polite, clear communication with this person about the project. Do not ever put your anger in writing and stay 100% project-related regardless of what the other person does.
You never want to put anything into an email, ever, that could embarrass you later. It doesn’t matter who the email is addressed to. If you don’t want the world to see it, don’t write it.
I keep a special folder in my email for each project so I can always find the related emails. Keep all of them.
The Frenemy
We’ve all seen enough movies to be able to recognize a frenemy in a social group. But they are in the workplace as well and are the reason that I suggested, above, never to put anything in writing that you don’t want the world to see.
I’ve had this experience and you probably have to. The person that you are sure you can trust and would never betray you at work gets upset about something (real or imagined) and now you have to worry about everything you’ve ever said to that person in confidence.
Now things are being taken out of context, you’re hearing your name whispered around the office, it’s just not worth it.
As noted above, continue to do your best in good faith. But now you may have to do some damage control. That’s the difference between the Bully and the Frenemy. You already knew you couldn’t trust the bully. The Frenemy took you by surprise.
Don’t cut the frenemy off entirely. You can continue to spend positive time with them, but don’t let yourself get lulled into a false sense of security. And the minute they begin to turn negative, it’s time to cut the conversation short.
Your frenemy wants you to feel as if you can confide in them. If you’ve had that kind of relationship – talking about the goings on in the office – don’t stop entirely. But subtly change to saying only positive things about your employer and colleagues. Don’t speak about the frenemy to your colleagues at all. Don’t leave room for anything to be taken out of context. Just don’t have the conversation.
As with the bully, if you work with the frenemy on any projects, have emailed documentation of professional, productive, work-only-related communication.
The Irresponsible or Unpredictable Person
I began this post talking about the first time I encountered an irresponsible person at work. I will admit that I still don’t really understand this one. I can’t comprehend not doing what you say you’ll do at work.
But it doesn’t matter if I understand it or not. What matters is that there are way too many irresponsible or, at least, unpredictable, people in any workplace and we need to figure out how to work around them.
And yes, that’s what we have to do – work around them.
As a manager, I have helped many people in this category to leave the organization. If it’s your colleague, however, you just have to figure out how to get your work done without relying on those who are unreliable.
The first thing I want to say is that you don’t need to point out your colleague’s lack of reliability to the supervisor. The supervisor already knows.
For instance: if you are short-staffed because the unreliable person did not show up for work, don’t make a big deal of it. The supervisor knows who didn’t show up. I can tell you from much experience that it takes a minute to get someone out the door.
Just focus on how you can do the best possible job in the moment. The one positive thing about having an unreliable co-worker is that it gives you a chance to be seen as someone who doesn’t complain, is a team player, and gets the work done.
This does not mean that you should do the other person’s work on a regular basis. It just means you should go with the flow and let the people with that responsibility deal with the irresponsible colleague.
